All relationships go through rocky patches and, hopefully, talking to your boyfriend or girlfriend about what is upsetting you will help sort any issues or problems out. However, some relationships just aren’t healthy.
But, where is the line between a healthy relationship and an abusive relationship? When is the line crossed? And what can you do about it?
Know the line is a local campaign to raise awareness of relationship abuse, especially what happens in teenage relationships. It has been created with young people and you’ll see it on Instagram, Facebook and in school.
Relationship abuse normally starts small, with an insult or an ‘accident’ and gets worse over time. When someone is abusive, it is part of gaining or maintaining control over their partner.
If someone is being abused by their partner, they may feel confused, afraid, angry and/or trapped. This is normal. They may also blame themselves for what is happening. But no matter what others might say, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!
Relationship abuse is not caused by anything you do, you do not deserve it. It might be influenced by alcohol or drugs, stress, or anger. But, it is always a choice to be abusive.
Signs of a healthy relationship
Both knowing where you stand with each other
Respectful with each other
Having Fun and enjoying time together
Listening to each other
Valuing each other’s opinion
Being honest and truthful
Trying to understand how you feel
Trusting each other
Feeling safe and comfortable
Having your own interests and hobbies
Liking that you each have other friends Respecting family and family time
Supporting the aspirations you both have in life
Treating each other as equals
Making time for each other
Both can admit when they are wrong
Accepting each other as they are
Helping each other out
Working with, not against each other
Being fair when it comes to paying for things
These are all the things a healthy relationship looks and feels like.
Everyone deserves to be loved. YOU DESERVE a healthy relationship.
Signs of an abusive relationship
Trying to control a partner
Playing with your emotions
Checking and questioning social media interactions
Only interested when they want something
Demanding sexual things
One person makes all the decisions
Teasing, bullying, embarrassment and put downs alone and in front of others
Blame for things that aren’t your fault
Isolation from friends or family
Using your emotions against you
Taking money and possessions
Being made to cry or feeling afraid
Threats to leave you or hurt themselves
Threatening to hurt you, family or pets
Being told “no-one would want you”, “no-one would love you like I do” and other manipulation
If you recognise even one of these warning signs in your own or a friend’s relationship, this means THE LINE HAS BEEN CROSSED to be an relationship abuse.
Signs on a friend or a family member
• Bruises, cuts, burns, broken bones and other physical injuries,
• Loss of confidence and self-belief,
• Stop seeing and speaking to friends and family
• Partner is constantly checking where they are and going through their phone
• Using the morning after pill, and/or unwanted pregnancies
• Being increasingly quiet and withdrawn
Signs you might be abusive
• You don’t let your partner see other people, friends or family.
• You get upset or angry when they do something you don’t want them to.
• You lose your temper and want to or have hit your partner.
• You call your partner names and insult them.
If you are in immediate danger always call 999
When you ring 999, the operator will ask you which emergency service you require and the number you are calling from. When the operator transfers your call to Humberside Police they will inform the Call taker of the telephone number you are calling from. The Call taker will ask you the location of the emergency and what the emergency is. They will then take your details.
This process may take time but it is very important to get the correct information from you to make sure your call is handled appropriately whilst protecting the safety of the public and our Police officers. The call taker will ‘control’ the call so that the appropriate information is gained as quickly as possible.
Only call 999 in an emergency (otherwise call 101).
If they think you are at risk of harm they will send someone to your location as soon as they can. They will also give you a log number – write this down and keep it, if you ever need to discuss the same thing you can use the log number as reference.
If you want advice or someone to speak to call Childline 24/7 on 0800 1111
“Knowing what happens when you call can make the experience a little easier. First of all when you dial 0800 11 11 you will be answered by someone on the switchboard. This person will say hello and make sure we can hear you okay, as well as making sure you are calling to talk to someone. If you stay silent here then you may be played a recorded message that tells you about how Childline works. If you say you’d like to speak to a counsellor then you’ll be put through to the queue.
“Once the next counsellor is available, you will automatically be connected with them and they will greet you and say hello. If you’re not sure what to say at this point then one thing you can do is tell them how nervous you are about calling or that you don’t know what to say – they will help you.
“Another thing that can be good to begin with is to talk about how you feel.
You can then start to talk about what’s led to you feeling that way.
“Whatever happens the counsellors are there to help you and won’t judge or pressure you to say things you don’t want to say. There is nothing too big or too small to talk about – everything you say is important to us.
“I hope that helps … It’s free and doesn’t show up on phone bills”.
If you don’t think you are ready to call you can try the ChildLine 1-2-1 chat online with a counsellor first.
If you want to speak to the local Police in a non-emergency situation call 101
When you call 101, the system will determine your location and connect you to the police force covering that area. You will hear a recorded message informing you that you’re being connected and then you will be given a choice of which force to be connected to. Calls to 101 are answered by police officers and staff in the control room of the local police force.
You should only call 101 to either report a crime or report concerns that do not need an emergency response. Emergencies should always be 999. All calls to 101 have a charge of 15p no matter how long the call or what time of day.
If you are over 16 and you want help and advice call Hull DAP on 01482 318 759
When you call Hull DAP you will be put through to an experienced member of staff who regularly works with victims of relationship abuse. You will be allocated a support worker who will talk with you confidentially and discuss what to do next.
This could include working out what to do next to improve your safety and that of your loved ones, how you could take action against your partner, even finding you emergency temporary accommodation if needed.
If you can’t make it into the office to meet with your support worker, we can visit you at home or somewhere else if it is safe to do so.
Find out more at about relationship abuse and domestic violence at www.thehideout.org.uk
Start with a trusted adult.
Your trusted adult is just that – an adult in your life that you trust!
It could be a parent, carer, older sibling or relative (grandparent, aunt/uncle, cousin etc), teacher, school nurse, youth worker, sports coach, GP etc. Someone who you know and trust to help you and someone you feel comfortable having a conversation with.
It depends who your trusted person is. It is down to you to pick somewhere you feel most comfortable, whether that’s in the kitchen, in their office or somewhere neutral, like a coffee shop. Probably start by saying “I think something isn’t quite right …”
If you don’t feel like you can just start that conversation, try texting them first or asking you’re a sibling or friend to be there and to help bring the topic up.
They will probably have a lot of questions as they are trying to understand and figure out how they can help you. They will be questions like “are you ok?”, “when did this start?”, “have they hit or hurt you?”, “have you spoken to anyone about this before now?”
The person you tell will probably be worried or upset (especially family members) by what you tell them, mainly because you have been going through this alone. They will just want to make sure you are ok and probably will feel glad that you have been able to trust them. Some might have had a feeling that something wasn’t quite right.
They might be struggling to know what to do, especially if they haven’t experienced anything like this before, so having a conversation about how they can help and what you want them to do might make it easier. It might be overwhelming so if you need to use this time to set boundaries to make sure they are helping rather than overloading you. Most trusted adults will do everything they can to help you. They can help you make appointments and be there when you speak to people; either in the room with you or waiting outside.